In the last installment of The Fuzzkill, I outlined the damage cats are currently doing to the earth’s only supply of pink iguanas. As if that weren’t bad enough, a conscientious WWW reader brought something even more disturbing to my attention.
Britain’s Daily Mail recently published an article proving that every cat in existence is (as I’ve been suggesting for some time now) a psychopathic, violence obsessed, sadistic assassin. The February 15th issue of the Daily Mail ran this wonderful headline: “Cats to be tagged to show if they’re mass murderers.” My first reaction was to hope that “tagged” was some Britishism that meant “spray-painted and left for dead” in real English, but no such luck. In fact, scientists in the UK are attaching tracking to 241 house cats to study their hunting habits. The study aims to shed light on just how murderous each of these “pet moggies” is (“moggy” is, in fact, an adorable Britishism, roughly translating to “vampiric, felinic zombioids”).
“It may be a pussycat at home, but behind your back your pet moggy is a ruthless assassin…Now some of these soft-pawed mass murderers are to be electronically tagged to discover exactly how many wildlife deaths they are responsible for. Some experts believe Britain’s nine million cats could be killing nearly 150 million birds, mice, rabbits and other creatures every year.”
Before I continue, let me first congratulate the Daily Mail on somehow escaping the watchful gaze of Big Kitten. I have oft complained about a cat-bias in the media, and now must give credit where credit is due. To refer to cats as “assassins” and “soft-pawed mass murderers” in the first three graphs of an article is a kick in the whiskers aimed directly at the kitty moguls who lord over the mainstream media.
Now to the matter at hand. In my very first article for WWW, I figured out just how many 5 year-old girls cats will one day maim if left to their own devices (18.5 Billion olympic-sized swimming pools worth). Though my prediction is undoubtedly correct, I had no idea that, as this article suggests, the carnage had already begun: “Previous research has shown cats bring only about 30 per cent of their prey home, with large kills such as rabbits too heavy to carry and some creatures eaten on the spot.” Large kills such as rabbits, or FIVE-YEAR-OLD BRITISH GIRLS.