two of my most favorite things

I love cats. I love books (I work in publishing, for those of you who don’t know). And that’s why I loved this photo gallery on the Los Angeles Times book blog of cats and books. This photo was my favorite:

I wish I had some pictures of Jack with books, but he prefers the computer.

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for those of you who need a reminder that mange is not a good thing

Have you ever thought gee, I really wish I had a stuffed animal that looked like heartworm to remind me that my pet should go to the vet once a year? Well, thanks to Giant Microbes (and thanks to the mysterious entity behind the fuzzkill for sending me the link), now you can have your very own mange, heartworm, toxoplasmosis, and many, many other microbes to remind you to take your cat to the vet as well as avoid strep and herpes.

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the fuzzkill: thanksgiving edition

This week, I’m going to take a step back from my usual “Cat’s are taking over the ‘X’ in ‘Y’ way” diatribe. I think it’s time for some positive bad cat news.

I am thankful for cat humiliation.

The best part about crazy cat ladies is that their enthusiasm for feline companionship often leads them to hurt the ones they love. I’m not talking about physical abuse, which I don’t advocate. I’m referring, of course, to the emotional trauma caused by severe acts of humiliation.

My first example comes courtesy of Gizmodo, and I think it’s a good, representative example of the kind of cat humiliation you’ve probably come to expect.

Insert funny LolCats saying here. I suggest “I iz eatn your brainz now”

My second example raises the bar on cat humiliation in a way that I personally find both twisted and courageous. It comes from the cat humiliation clearinghouse at Stuff on My Cat, and shows the effect that can be achieved when you’re willing to shave your cat before you dress it up. It’s quite stunning.

Suggested LolCatz tagline: “Iz did so much angeldust last nite!!”

Finally, for those of you looking for something a little more extreme, feast your eyes on my favorite example of cat humiliation by far. It comes from the Ten Speed Press book Why Paint Cats (spoiler alert: there’s no good reason) which I highly you find the book at your local bookstore, but here’s just a taste, and yes, it’s real:

This cat is a total whore.

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He is fluffy. He is coddled. He is victorious. He is Santos.

This is Santos, officially ruled the best cat in the world this past weekend at the Cat Fanciers’ Association International Cat Show in Atlanta. This article details his lavish lifestyle, including sleeping on special pillows, being fed by hand, taking four baths a week (for reference, my cat has never had a bath), and winning 39 out of the 40 cat shows he’s entered. You know it burns him up inside that he didn’t win that 40th one. All that blow drying for nothing. His owner claims there was a bad judge, but Santos knows the truth, I’m sure.

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a star is born

Perhaps you’ve seen the commercials for the new Disney movie Bolt. It’s the heartwarming story of a dog (voiced by John Travolta) who tries to make it back to his owner (Miley Cyrus) with the help of a cat (Susie Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm) and a hamster (some guy I hadn’t heard of). I haven’t seen it yet, but according to CatChannel.com ”Mittens is tough as nails, living on the streets of New York and exerting her feline power over the other animals in the neighborhood.”

That sounds great. I’m sure she’s extremely “tough as nails” with a name like Mittens. Seriously, Disney? You couldn’t come up with a more creative name than Mittens? Was Fluffy already taken? Mrs. Whiskers too long?

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mr. lee’s magic cat camera

This is Mr. Lee, and that silly-looking box around his neck is his cat cam, designed to snap pictures throughout Mr. Lee’s day. On this day, for example, he crawled through some grass, watched a bird house, and met up with another cat underneath a car.

Now, since Jack is an indoor cat, it would be quite boring if I were to get him one of these–basically just bed, couch, litter box, etc. But if you have an outdoor cat, you can order one here, and let your cat become just like the cats in the CatCam User Gallery, which includes Kirk from Germany, Cooper from Seattle, and Kikki from Australia. (Mr. Lee himself is a native of South Carolina).

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dogs do wacky stuff too

We all know that cats are wackier than dogs. But occasionally, a dog will do something other than drool. Like drive a car.

That’s Bentley. Earlier this week on Long Island, Bentley’s owner left him in the car while he went into a coffee shop (cleverly called “Cool Beanz”) to sign up for an open mike night. He left the car on so that Bentley could enjoy the heat during this unseasonable cold snap. Bentley then drove the car into the coffee shop window. Did he want his own open mike slot? Did he want some coffee? Did he want to register dislike of the use of a “z” in place of an “s”? The world will never know.

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the fuzzkill: whatever happened to alf?

Gordon Shumway was just another orbit guard from the planet Melmac until his planet was destroyed and his spaceship was tossed through space, eventually landing in the garage of an average white family in Southern California. Although he would always be known as Gordon to his own kind (most of whom died in a nuclear inferno the likes of which the universe has seldom seen), his new family called him ALF (Alien Life Form).

 

 

The story of what happened to him next doesn’t need to be retold here, and is chronicled in the biographical television series based on ALF’s life that is now available on DVD. What I would like to discuss, briefly, is what happened to ALF after the series ended. In 1990, the “final episode” of the original series ended in a cliffhanger where ALF was abducted by the American Military. The final words of the series were “To Be Continued…”, but the series never was. It wasn’t until six years later that a made-for-TV movie answered some of the questions posed by the original series. 

 

ALF made a brief comeback as a talk-show host, but was never quite the same. So, what really happened to ALF during those intervening six years?  Perhaps the world will never truly know, but I have a theory.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As many Fuzzkill readers might remember, there was just one thing that ALF consistently desired from his human captors. He wanted to eat the cat, Lucky. On Melmac, eating cats was considered a right, not a privilege, so much so that “In 1643, Sandra Shumway became the mayor of sector 17…She ran with the promise of a cat in every pot and a turnip in every shoe.” In fact, eating cats was a cultural institution on Melmac. According to ALFnet.tv, “ALF’s Uncle Goomer once worked as an actor. He appeared in such films as Cat on a Hot Microwave Dish, Gone with the Fish, and Luncheon Counters of the Worst Kind.”

In a bizarre coincidence, ALF’s slave name is identical to the acronym for the Animal Liberation Front. At the same time that Melmac was being destroyed by the “consequences of nuclear warfare,” animal rights activism was getting violent: “In February 1989, an explosion damaged the Senate House bar at Bristol University . . . In June 1990, two days apart, bombs exploded in the cars of Margaret Baskerville, a veterinary surgeon . . . and Patrick Max Headley, a psychologist at Bristol University.” 

 

Now I’m NOT saying that the A.L.F. destroyed Melmac. I’m also NOT saying that the A.L.F. posed as the U.S. military, kidnapped ALF, and held him hostage for six years in the 90s, torturing him and eventually murdering him, only to replace him with some lame talk-show substitute so as to blunt his pro cat-eating agenda. I’m just saying that if they DID, and if you like cats, you may have indirectly killed ALF. That’s all I’m saying.

 

 

 

 

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“crazy cat eats with a fork!”

Please believe me when I say you must drop everything and watch this video of a cat eating with a fork. Because it’s so much more than just a cat eating with a fork. There is also a spoon. And chopsticks. And walking on a leash. And a desire to meet Tiger Woods.

Trust me. The sound of the crazy lady in this video singing “this is the way we wash our paws” will haunt you in your nightmares.

Special thanks to Olivia for turning me onto this.

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nothing says 2009 like a kitty

Looking for a new twist on Beaujolais Nouveau to drink at New Year’s? Want to somehow incorporate cats into your celebration?

 

We all know how much Hello Kitty likes a good beaujolais.

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